Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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