i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
