yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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