If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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