I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
