Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
