Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
