i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
