Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
