I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
