peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
