I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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