Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
