Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize