Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
