I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
