I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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