God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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