If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
