Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
