When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
