i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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