I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
