piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
