The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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