1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
