it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
