I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
