I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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