I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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