When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
