Got a toothbrush?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
