Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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