My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
