i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
