i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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