dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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