Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
