either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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