I am full of burrito and curiosity
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
