I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
