Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
