Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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