He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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