fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
