Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
