mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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