Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
