I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
