if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
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