I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
